The Right Fit

There's nothing at all like finding the right fit. This is certainly true in fashion, yes, but in other more important areas, as well. Just look at Cinderella. Her life was completely turned around all because she found her perfect fit! 

When my children were toddlers they enjoyed playing with a toy where they first learned this concept of "fit". The idea was to match the plastic shape with the appropriate space on the container so that it would drop inside.  They would spend hours being challenged and even a little frustrated, but eventually, they figured it out: the circle block went into the circle space, the star block into the star space, and so on. They struggled at first, trying to force the triangle into the square-shaped space or the circle into the cross, but through trial and error they learned the very simple and basic idea that you can't force something where it doesn't belong.  Each time they heard the "plunk" of the shape falling smoothly and easily into the container they'd clap and smile with satisfaction. No feeling in the world like getting it right.

This simple child's toy has some life applications. In itself, the puzzle's objective is pretty simple, but even in that simplicity there's something very profound. I used the toy just a few weeks ago to illustrate a point to my group of high school mentees: to win in life you must find the right fit. You can exert all your energy and effort into trying to force the circle block into the square space or the triangle into the star space, but it just won't work. Even if it sorta looks like it should fit, that the blocks are "close enough" in shape or size (the square/rectangle or circle/oval), inevitably, it still won't work. But as soon as you put the right block into the specific space it was designed for, voila! Success. Simple, smooth, easy.

What if we applied this same principle in life? In love and relationships? In education, jobs and careers? Sometimes we try sooo hard to make something fit, when all along, it was never really meant to. What if we just relaxed our efforts and let things naturally flow? If instead of forcing it, we just let it happen? Just like those plastic shapes, there is a space designed just for you; a void in this world you are uniquely gifted and created to fill. The tricky part is in finding it. The first step in finding where you fit is finding and learning to be your authentic self. You won't find it if you are focused on meeting someone else's standards or being someone you're not. 

When you finally find that right fit, you will know. You just will. Sounds so cliche but I've found it to be true. You will experience a "click", your own "plunk", something instinctual that let's you know you're in the right place,
at the right time, doing the right thing. It's your "sweet spot", the place that just feels right; where you can achieve maximum success with just a little effort, just by being yourself and working the gifts, talents and personality that make you who you are. It comes naturally, like breathing. You don't mind getting up and going to work or being with that person or group of friends. There's a supreme sense of fulfillment and satisfaction; a joy that's experienced because you're right where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to do. 

Some years after she first experienced her first "plunk" as a toddler, one of my teenaged daughters found herself at a critical point. She'd been worrying about what she wanted to be in life, what she wanted to focus on in college. I explained this notion of "click"/"fit" to her. Even pulled out the old toy and made her go through the exercise. I told her to be patient; that in time she'd discover where she fit. That it would be the thing she was passionate about; the thing she would be willing to spend hours on and never get tired of; that it would fit her personality, way of thinking; that in it, she would find her voice. She went away with a thoughtful look on her face. Maybe a month or so later, she came back into my room, this time with a smile and eyes that lit up. She'd figured it out. She'd heard the "plunk". It gave her a whole new confidence and has since set her on a focused path toward achieving her purpose.

Whatever it is for you, whether your job, a new business, a relationship, or circle of friends, I encourage you to listen for the "plunk". Don't keep exerting energy forcing something that isn't meant to be. Find that fit. Don't stop until you do. Then you too can have a fairy tale ending just like Cinderella.

Out From The Shadows

I think I first became aware of style back in middle school. It was the junior high school prom to be exact. Out of nowhere, I decided I didn't want to wear a regular pretty dress like all the other girls.  I wanted to wear a tux. And not just any tux, mind you. A pink satin tux. With tails. Lol, yup, I sure did:) Somehow my mother made it happen. She didn't laugh at me. In fact, her eyes sort of twinkled in a mischievous way, and she grinned. A few weeks later I had a fitting at some lady's house to try on my new tux. I wore it with little white pumps too. How I wish I could find a pic of THAT get up!

The thing I remember even more than that outfit, though, was the way I felt in it. Like a million bucks. Full of a confidence that I really didn't have, but for just a few hours, I felt like the belle of the ball.  That was when my young mind began to understand what clothes could do for a person. They enabled me to stand out, be an individual even before I knew who I was. I was able to "speak", send a message, without saying a word. That is the power of fashion and that outfit was my fledgling attempt at finding and expressing my personal style.

For the longest time I floundered in trying to figure out my identity. I was very shy when I was younger. Afraid of my own shadow, insecure, quiet...ironically, pretty much everything I'm not today.  And I was comfortable that way. I liked being invisible. No one bothers you when they don't notice you. It's safe, or at least that's what it feels like.  The moment you speak up or do something that draws attention to yourself, you are then open to the scrutiny, opinions, judgements and criticisms of others. Pretty scary when you don't have a sense of self strong enough to withstand it all. So I stayed in the shadows for the most part. Except for when I performed.

I loved my dance/musical theater life. That's where I escaped and could become that "other person", that girl who could be noticed on stage. I came alive in front of an audience. Whether singing or dancing, part of an ensemble, doing a solo or duet, it didn't matter. I'd found a place where I could "speak" as loudly as I wanted and the better, the "louder" I performed, the more they seemed to love me or, rather, that "other person" I became. I basked in it. It was an immediate fill to the void I felt, and it spoke to that need we all have to feel loved and appreciated. But off stage, I reverted back to being invisible. I did that for years, from elementary up through most of high school.

My insecurities and lack of identity also came from the way I dressed. My brothers and I were raised in Brooklyn, NY by a single mother. We struggled. A one room efficiency was home and we didn't have the "latest and greatest" of anything. Forget nice or fancy clothes. Plenty of times I recall wearing "high waters", pants that were too short and came up above the ankles, an absolute tell-tale sign that you couldn't afford to shop for new clothes.   There was nothing special, cute or remotely stylish about me. I was drab. Ordinary. And that is how I always felt growing up. I  wasn't one of those pretty, cute girls. I was very awkward and struggled with issues around being dark and super skinny. I remember being teased while riding the bus from school one day, being called "one of those starving Ethiopians". It was back around the time the song, "We Are The World" was popular. It was a painful, dark childhood in many ways.  From time to time, however, I escaped into another world again, this time via my fashion magazines.

I don't recall when I first became infatuated with fashion, but whenever it happened, it became permanent. I would spend hours in those magazines, idolizing the models on their pages. I plastered their pics to my wall, knew them by name. In fact, in my mind we were on a first name basis: Paulina, Gail, Christy, Elle, Naomi, Linda, Beverly, Cindy, Stephanie, Karen and of course, above all, Iman. Somehow their images just made me happy, made me feel better. I aspired to be so beautiful, elegant, confident and of course, fashionable. I was infatuated with all of it. I studied the beautiful clothes, the pictures, how they were framed, the locations they used. My magazines were everything to me.

Then around senior year in high school something changed. I went through another period of solitude, but this time an aloneness of a good kind. The kind where you spend time learning who you are. I'd grown tired of feeling low all the time; tired of not feeling good about myself, of always feeling like less than everyone else, in everyone else's shadow. So I separated from my friends for a while and just began to get in touch with myself (something I believe EVERYONE needs to do). I became my own best friend.  Somehow, instinctively, I just knew that I needed to draw away for a while. All of a sudden I started to "wake up". I became more alive in some way. The shy, quiet girl started to disappear and I began to evolve into someone else. I became more vocal, more "colorful". My "black & white" existence was changing. I got a personality! And all of that began to be reflected in the way that I carried myself. I stopped looking down at the ground when I walked.  I began to walk with some confidence, with my head up, looking straight ahead. Gradually, I started to take more care of myself. I began to dress better too, and wear my hair in something other than my typical long ponytail. I no longer wanted to be invisible. I  wanted to be happy; to laugh and enjoy people. I became social and would come alive in group settings. Me. The girl who had always been afraid to speak up or be noticed, became quite comfortable at social gatherings. In fact, I THRIVED in that environment.

This transformation, my personal epiphany, only started to happen once I took time to get in touch with ME. I began to learn to love myself.  I still had a looooong journey ahead toward truly achieving self-love, but at least I had come to the point where I could look in the mirror and begin to actually like the person staring back at me. At least I'd found the courage to take those first steps toward a healthier me. My confidence didn't start to come until I looked inward. It didn't come because I got fancier, more expensive, nicer clothes. It started to come when I got honest with myself about who I was, where I was. I learned then that you have to start from the inside and work your way out, not the reverse. If you do it from the outside first, the moment your exterior changes or you can no longer keep up with the trends, your self-esteem is impacted. When it comes from within, however, nothing and no one can take that from you. Now I can wear sweats and a t-shirt and feel just as fabulous as when dressed to the nines. Lesson learned: your shine comes from the inside out.

I guess all of this, my story, explains why I'm so passionate now about helping other women feel good about themselves; why I'm so driven to see them empowered and celebrated. It's because I KNOW the pain of insecurity and low self-esteem. I know it can cripple, silence and paralyze you. But I also know that it is nothing but a trick of the enemy, ALL based on lies. Thankfully, I found the Truth for myself and today, I am a living, breathing, walking testimony that you CAN find yourself, find your voice, and become the bright, bold, colorful, confident queen that you were ALWAYS intended to be.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I have no intentions of EVER going back to the shadows. I'm quite comfortable out here in the light. I was born for this.

Finding My Voice

When I was little I stuttered. I struggled to get my words out. It was frustrating, knowing what I wanted to say, but somehow not being able to communicate clearly. Either I would clam up out of embarrassment or the person listening would dismiss me mid-sentence because they'd lost interest in what I had to say. So for a very long time, I didn't say much. I kept to myself and became shy and introverted. I barely raised my hand in class to answer questions or share thoughts because I was afraid of ridicule. Unless I was around close family or friends, I was silent. That pattern stuck with me for many years. But now, many years later, I am happy to say that I've overcome that issue. I still have moments when I can't get the words out. Yes, I still periodically stutter and stumble over words, even as a mature college-educated woman. But I no longer allow that to keep me from speaking. I'm no longer shy or afraid to have my voice heard. Anyone who knows me will attest to that fact;) I don't mince words. Actually, I have become quite outspoken and I love it. It's been quite a long journey to get to this point. I've had to overcome a lot of baggage, insecurities, fears. Thank God for the healing love and patience of true friends and family.  Now I can say that I am not afraid to speak or be heard. I've found my voice.

Even with all of that, what has been scary is this notion of blogging.  So, on this first day of a brand new year, I'm drumming up the courage to try something new. At first I was quite content to just share my musings on social media, letting my newfound voice be heard there. But when numerous people, completely independent of each other, suggest something, you kinda have to take notice. "You should blog." "Do you have a blog?" "Have you ever thought of blogging?" "Start a blog, J." Not completely sure I know what all this means or what I'm doing, but I've decided to step out of my comfort zone and give it a shot. I'm not an expert by any stretch on any particular subject. I just have thoughts and opinions about various things, mainly those of which I am most passionate. From faith and family, to love and relationships, to fashion, beauty and just helping women recognize their worth...I am driven by all of it.

When inspired, I will write what comes to my heart. Most likely, it won't be daily, weekly or follow any kind of routine or schedule. I want it to be organic, not forced. So when I feel the need to share, when I have something to say, that's when I will post.

So here we go! As we embark on this new journey, who knows where it will take us. I hope that the things I share from time to time will be of benefit to you in some way. At the very least, I know that I have found a way to be heard, regardless of my stutter. May you do the same.